Hello Reader,

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This year I fantasized about a clean slate multiple times. I wanted to delete all my posts on my IG. I wanted to delete my website and my Patreon page. I wanted to clean out my studio and keep only a small set of watercolours, pencils, and a few tubes of gouache. Two sketchbooks.

I wanted to toss out most of my clothes, shoes, and everything.

I wanted to close up all the different email accounts I have. Then, empty the computer into a hard drive and then put that hard drive into storage. Take the furniture out of my studio, leaving only a small table for my laptop and a small cabinet for my supplies, and have SPACE.

But it was just a fantasy.

I've done that before, and though it feels great for a few days, I start missing my old stuff, my old self. This year, however, the pull has been stronger than ever.

In short, something isn't working very well in a few areas, and some things are working beautifully. Unfortunately, human nature makes it so that we only focus on what is NOT working. So I've been obsessing about changing.

But changing what? I read recently that one's personality is fixed by the time you're two years old. And yet, we spend a lifetime trying to change. At least, that's been my experience.
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I'm so tired of this.

This happens with my art practice too. Although I thought I'd made huge progress accepting my scattered approach and embracing my weird, imaginative drawings, there is always a pull towards more careful, thoughtful work.

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I try to create a process where I think about what I want to say and then start building the blocks when in reality, such a step-by-step process doesn't work for me.

I still don't know what kind of artist I am. Making art is my refuge, and I don't want it to confront me, i.e., make me think. I do that already too much when I'm not drawing.

The confusion usually pushes us to make decisions that seem finite: This is what I'll do, and we plow ahead only to realize that maybe not.

This year I rebuilt my website many times. First, I jumped from Squarespace to WordPress twice; I thought I would focus on teaching, then I decided to focus on sharing real-time art practices on Patreon. Finally, I secretly opened a new Etsy shop with more commercial designs. I spent days designing prints, and creating a brand, only to close it three weeks later. I'll spare you the rest of my attempts at making up my mind.

But some decisions are necessary, and the way to identify them is by being so aware that it almost hurts:

Does listening to a particular podcast create turmoil? Does a certain artist become your obsession, and you start imitating? Does your space feel stifling instead of inspiring (raises hand)? Do you feel extremely tired of the journey? Are you so discouraged that you want to throw in the towel?

Decisions stem from that, not from what we see outside ourselves.

In my case:

• I stopped listening to art podcasts where the focus was making a living, having a business, and all that stuff.
• Most weeks, I remove IG from my phone and come back for two or three days.
• My space needed (and still needs) downsizing, but I didn't want to donate, sell, or put away my materials. So I'm using them with total freedom. I have so much stuff I'm embarassed.
• After returning from NY, I worked exclusively with one medium per month to find which one felt most in tune with what I wanted to make. These challenges will continue.
• In my fatigue, I also knew I needed a new past-time, something non-art related and something that didn't entail consuming more content. So I started to relearn Tarot more diligently. Doing a bit every day. Opening myself to a little woo got me writing again. I use this book.​

These decisions are simpler and more manageable than spending a weekend with a massive sheet of paper and making plans for a year, a quarter, or even a month. They stem from real needs instead of looking outwards and feeling I'm so behind in life yet advanced in years.

The biggest challenge:

I'm about to confess something very personal, but this is the end of 2022, and it's floating in the air.

These thoughts live in the subconscious because up here (points at head), I see everyone's art as valuable and necessary. Still, I don't extend the same grace to myself.

And yes, this is capitalist thinking and patriarchy and blah, blah, blah.. but it is tough to rid myself of this feeling. Maybe it's my type 4 enneagram personality that feels always lacking something. I'm just really tired of trying.

A curious note, once a long time ago, I gave up on love. I bought a house for myself, and I decided to be alone. It was then when I stopped wanting to meet someone that I met my husband. This experience has happened more than once. I'm convinced that when I stop striving, things open up. But with outside influence, it's so hard to do.

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Elsewhere:

​Pierre Bonnard used photography to paint.​

​I really want to go to Iceland ​

​A fascinating view of Outsider Music and what pure creativity looks like ​

Have downtime and a set of oil pastels? Pull them out and create studies, still lives and imaginative drawings in my Oil Pastel Class​

Revised and updated Notion Templates for your Art Studio Practice​

​Patreon is where all my explorations happen, more than 100 videos!

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Thank you all for reading these monthly letters. As I've mentioned before, of all my different abandoned projects, The Studio Chronicles is the only one that keeps going. Each issue feels easier, more familiar. I can go back and read past letters and see how things ebb and flow.

I hope to read this next December and be in flow.

I wish you very Happy Holidays!

Talk to you next year
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